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I have a love of life. Some may call me a cynic but I'm truly an optimistic realist. I work on the philosophy “If you expect the worst but aim for the best, you'll land somewhere that's comfortable.”

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20 February 2018

Junk Mail Could Save Your Skin!


As I brushed my hair readying it to be sprayed with heat protection before blow drying it for bed, I had one of my frequent depressing thoughts. It was triggered by my partner messing around with their Phillips Hue Colour bulb attempting to get the colour and brightness just right so they could relax and wind-down for bed.

 

Now, state benefits and pension payments are paid directly into an account, these payments could mount up with nobody realising. We also now have direct debits fairly universally for paying our utilities, these too can continue as long as the state keeps adding to the account. Presuming that the debits never exceed the account credit – you could leave that side of personal finance well alone and it would go on indefinitely. Actually, it’s less of a presumption and more a fact, since this is what I do. Also, since there would be money coming and going from the account, I doubt it would be flagged as being inactive. Now, this is where the smart-bulb comes to play.

 

With home automation becoming more affordable to most in society, we can enjoy not having to open curtains/drapes; turn lights on and off; vacuum floors; turn plugs on and off etc. Another advantage is you can make your home look reasonably lived in even when it’s unoccupied. This combined with the above paragraph would essentially allow you to maintain your home while you were off travelling the world. If you’re a fairly isolated person with no real routines outside of your home – this would also allow you to die in peace and decay without anyone finding your body for many years.

 

I voiced this theory with my partner and they agreed. Then I realised, perhaps the detailed orientated neighbour might notice you’ve not put your rubbish out for collection in a while. Partner then pointed out that if you live in a multi-story building you might have a rubbish-chute which would mean – no rubbish bin to be observed. Moreover, sending a big truck to pick-up rubbish from people’s homes seems fairly cumbersome and not very efficient way of doing things so could possibly change in the future. So, there may once again be no wheelie bin to observe.

 

I considered the GP surgery noticing. However, as we live longer and the positive effects of the healthier lives a lot of us now lead compared to prior generations our illness frequency should reduce too. Why would a practice worry about a silent patient who hasn’t been around for a few years, they’re super busy after all. I know at my local practice it has nearly 10,000 patients on the books. This is all very bleak isn’t it?

 

Here’s some more bleakness for you! As we increasingly move to electronic communication such as email our actual mail goes down. Except for junk mail! I’ve heard stories of people lying dead for months and the only reasons the neighbours knew anything was wrong, was because of mail piling up or spilling from the letter flap on the door. Perhaps signing up to all those mailing lists for garden centres and supermarkets could stop your skeleton being found and instead just your decomposed remains :D – if you don’t like this thought very much, a mail catcher could have you in a mortuary a few weeks quicker. In the meantime make all the junk mail into briquettes and use them instead of charcoal for BBQ’s and hope all those pesky marketing companies don’t listen to you and stop spamming your door matt.

 

Off to sleep now, sleep well!

16 February 2018

Good Communication Not Bad Sensation

A quick drawing of an electrical socket with bolts of yellow electricity coming out of the holes and smoke whips at the tops sides. On a bright red background.
Picture by me, more drawings over here!


I can prepare for a situation. At least when I know roughly what the situation entails. Today we had an electrical test booked in. Last time this was carried out, it was just a case of checking the trip switches and a few sockets. This was all I was expecting this time too. However, when the electricians rolled up they informed us they’d also be replacing two old smoke detectors and installing another. They didn’t tell us that they would be removing our bathroom light fitting and replacing it with a ‘Euro-dome’ light. This may seem trivial but this changes the expected situation beyond all parameters and thus it’s no longer something I’m prepared for.


Even a slight bit of better communication would have made this a tolerable situation once again. After talking to the landlord it’s been explained that as part of the new contract they have with the company any fails are to be remediated as they are found. This saves the housing association an additional call out fee and the additional labour etc. I explained the massive difference between the situation in the letter and the one that happened and the resulting stress this caused. Thankfully, the person I spoke with seemed genuinely interested in improving the experience for the next round of tenants that will have ‘electrical testing’ carried out, to reflect that remedial works if needed will be carried out on the day. Just this small bit of extra information can make a substantial difference to somebody who, needs to know, what is going to happen when a stranger comes into their environment.


As for the light situation, I explained that I had a Hive smart bulb in the bathroom to allow me to adjust the brightness – since my eyes and head can be very painful at times if the lighting is too bright. I also explained that this was a solution that we had found that works for us and that had saved them a small fortune from not having to replace all our light switches with dimmer switches. The person I spoke with got straight onto the company to sort out the problem. Unfortunately, we now have to wait for the company to get back in touch to come out and replace the the old style fitting that can accommodate the B22 bulb. The irony here is that a lack of communication has undone the clever thinking to avoid additional call outs.


It bamboozles me how difficult some people find clear, concise and human communication. In all sectors, not just in the public one, there will be people who need more details than: what, where and when. I don’t believe it’s too difficult to to add: what, where, when, how long, how many people, what will happen and an invitation to get in contact for further clarification. Moreover, calling to ask if an appointment is still suitable when I’ve not even had one arranged with me just riles me no end. If you need me to arrange an appointment, text me a link or email me one. I realise this wouldn’t work for everyone and an opt in system would be good. If people don’t make an appointment after so many attempts to contact them, say three, then call them. When you’re a company with actual offices, is it too much you at least show a landline number when you call rather than having your mobile staff that can’t actually reschedule me call from their mobile numbers. It’s the small things that make a huge difference.


This will be too much information for some people and they will no doubt ask what’s the point? That’s fair enough but the same people might need that amount of info in other parts of their life where it’s lacking. A consistent amount of info would be useful to people that need it everywhere.


This doesn’t just go for trades people visiting social housing but also at hospital appointments. I’m a great believer that learning is vital and also slightly narcissistic and believe my body is something special in scientific terms, this is because lots of medics have said so. So, it’s probably more truth than begging myself up J - but, my point is there will be people that go to an appointment expecting to see one medic and there is also student(s) present and despite not wanting them there, they agree to allow them to stay. If patients could always advocate for themselves medics might have less problems managing expectations. There’s still a huge belief that ‘doctor knows best’. While the medic may know more, it doesn’t mean they know best. The other problem with the ‘doctor knows best’ philosophy, is it can sometimes limit people’s ability to ask questions that they may have. Which as a consequence may affect the concept of, informed consent to treatments. Whilst, this is a significantly different paradigm to trades people, it all comes back to the level of openness and information.


If there is greater openness and someone feels there’s a lack of information, they would hopefully, feel more able to ask because the lack of said details would be on the other person not the individual. Asking something that you feel you should know can make you feel inadequate which can cause you to feel embarrassed thus restricts you from asking. Had I thought this would be any different I’d of asked but we get annual gas/central heating checks and they’ve remained the same so why would the electrical testing change? I’m glad to have been taught that there’s no such thing as a stupid question.


Mind you, calling the electoral office to find out what would happen if someone died before their postal vote had been counted was perhaps, fairly obscure but still not stupid. The answer is, it’s counted as if you hadn’t died. In a way, it’s a self-proxy vote in the most meta way.

6 January 2018

New Year, Old Me!

This is a drawing of a highland glen as I imagined with no Glen specifically in mind.
See more of my art on Instagram.



My desires for this year are few in number but perhaps more challanging and if I achieve them all, the significance would be inordinate. Here they are:

1) Make It To 2019
Although it’s primarily my daily occupation to keep myself alive, it’s also down to you all to help me do this one. I’ll do the critical parts like breathing and that kinda thing (as much as I can) and if you peeps could just try not killing me, that would be sweet. :)

2) Try To See My Tailwinds
It’s often easier to see our headwinds, the things that slow us down, and not to see our tailwinds, the things that give us positive boosts. But this year I want to try and be more aware of the good things I’ve got. This morning, 6th of Jan, I woke up after a night of bizarre dreams all clammy – I woke up √; in a bed √; in my own bed √; inside a weather-proof building √; warm √; safe √; with the same health as I went to sleep with √ and knowing today I could do potentially anything I wanted to do - with in my abilities and reality √. These are things that we often take for granted. However, not everyone has the fortune of having.

3) To Benefit From Therapy
Completion is simple I go, sit down and talk for 50 minutes. Benefitting and working with the therapist to improve my psychological and psychiatric health is a different story. For someone who could be described, fairly, as tenacious and perhaps somewhat stubborn this could be more difficult. My therapist is a good match from what I’ve felt so far. I believe it’s more than achievable.

4) To Complete 3 Extremes
This one is slightly more difficult but only due to logistics. I want to complete:
• A skydive
• A scuba dive to a wreck
• An ascent of Beinn Nibheis (Ben Nevis)
Air, land and sea not in that order necessarily but those three extremes. If you or someone you know can help please drop me a message.

5) To Improve My Gàidhlig
Going over and over my Ùlpan material is one way to reinforce and relearn the stuff I’ve already been taught. However, I’m going to try to set time aside to put the Beurla away and build upon this with the help of online, radio and TV from the BBC. Of course, if the local authority runs a level 2 Ùlpan course that would be fìor mhath! There are also some conversational groups knocking around which I would like to get to – after all, I don’t want to be a Gàidhlig Manuel - here's a clip if you don’t get the reference.

6) Self Mobilise
It’s been years since I had any need to get out on my own. I’ve come to believe this is something I can’t do anymore. I know this is not true and comes from a place of fear. Even if it is once a month I will get out on my own. Even if it is to the end of the block. Even if I get lost and need Sam to come find me. Even if I am terrified and it’s the last day of the month and I’ve put it off everyday. I will do this. Even if in my head completing ambition #4 seems way easier and more doable in reality. I used to have more sight but still not a lot and did so much more than I do now. I’ve learned to fear everything – I want to unlearn omnifear and reduce it to logifear. Fear should be a reaction not a reason. Action should succeed reason not reaction.

Realistically, all these are theoretically achievable. However, realistically it’s probable they wont all be achieved. The first step is always to success or failure and we never know which until we arrive.


 BRING IT ON!

30 December 2017

My Love For My Sweet Grey Fluff

A draw representation of my childhood soft toy
More of my drawings here…


When you hear the bell strike twelve,
You know but for this teddy, you’re by yourself,
In eight hours or less,
You’ll wish to feel only this amount of stress.,
The nurse will come,
Her aim to tease and antagonise your tum.

This time tomorrow,
You’ll be full of pain and sorrow,
In ten hours or so you’ll crash through the theatre door,
You will fight, struggly and renounce your sight,
This is all before the main show.

This warm, soft thing,
Gives you the stength,
Not only to quietly sing,
But to know you’re going to be fine when your hear the lift bell ping.

Through it all,
These fibres woven tight,
Never reject you even when you bite,
In and out of this hospital,
Not so any longer as my softy has gone.

Ward rule number one,
Mess with another kids snuggle,
Expect a scrap or a struggle,
We all know it’s just not to be done.

The people that placed me here,
Are the ones who stole me from your soft ear,
You went to a better cause,
Or that’s how they justified it after a short pause.

When by eye was cut,
They bandaged you up too,
I loved you so much but I’m not sure you knew,
The tears you absolrbed,
The words that you spoke,
The fears you way-laid,
Nobody as much as me, happy could you of made.

The sun is rising,
I can no longer sing,
I’m exhausted,
You are dead,
Hears the nurse,
My breakfast I am fed.

To another child you don’t belong,
Knowing you’ve been assaulted and damaged feels wrong,
Once more as an adult I wish I had you to hear my missery song.

Through thick and thin,
Sight and none,
Until adolecence from cot,
I miss you so and everyday,
I’m full of woe,
I only know I can say,
I love you my little snuggly grey.

Weather you were a bear or a cat,

You were warm, soft, absorbant and fat.

25 December 2017

Beyond & Below

a drawing of a multi-tone blue eye with negative words written on the skin around it.
Click here for more of my drawings.


The obvious is by design,
It stands out to distract,

Deception can’t be accidental,
What it may hide needn’t always be mentioned,

With each exposure,
Less the viewer can believe,

The truth is always there,
Written faintly over,
Never genuinely wanting to deceive,

Once the interior has its’ confidence,
The inferior unveils its’ composure

You can’t dislodge a limpet before it’s ready,
True to is this of the obvious,

Tug, pull and wrench at your own risk,
The fragile sculpted will smash,

You will stand with dust and mud,
The owner will be hurt,

If you deceive,
Only to chor eggs from the nest,
You’re nout better than a rich thief,

Trust can shatters,
With the vibrations of a distant clatter,

On to your hands will the gore splatter,

24 December 2017

50 Shades of Identity Crisis



I can’t be a snow flake - snow is white and my identity covers most of the colour wheel. This makes me a wonderful butterfly of diversity and understanding… No, it makes me confused, very confused, very confusedx50,

I can’t embrace all of the colours because their values are in conflict. I can’t reject all of them because then that leaves me with nothing. I could take the existentialist view and say, I’m first and foremost a thing at least in my own perception. This then leaves me wondering, how to connect to my perceived surroundings and what’s the point if they only exist in my mind. Well, I use my ‘physical’ body to move around and communicate and what’s the point? There isn’t one but why does the lack of a purpose matter if everything is real only to me, because I want to and I find it satisfying is enough. Now this is where the problems start. If I make the rules for myself then I can only be limited by my own internal limitations, which explains why there are lots of investment bankers walking free - after all, nobody is going to jail themselves. Of course, not everyone is detected breaking laws so perhaps I’ve/they’ve not got the same subconscious’s internal limitations as those who put themselves in prison.

The flip side of this is that, our ‘entity’ is our core with our identity encapsulating it. We are changeable and these experiences stay with us and change us. This is sort of sensible since we know if we have a bad experience, unless we are intent on repeating it we approach a similar situation differently the next time we come across it. These changes and bits of knowledge make up our identity. However, what happens when we approach a familiar problem with two or more tools to deal with it?

  • Grab one and see if it works. Anyone who’s ever done flat pack knows this is a good way of stripping a screw and finding the problem getting more complicated.
  • Consider the situation and which is best. This too can make a problem worse since you’ve decided you know the whole situation and only need one method to solve it. Since you’ve given it consideration before hand you might think you’ve solved the problem but in fact it’s temporary and the situation is worse in the future.
  • Methodically consider all your tools and all your possible steps and the potential outcomes. The problem is in life we can’t predict everything always. Even if we can accurately estimate an outcome there is probably going to be a short fall between our estimation and the actuality. So, we over compensate knowing this. We expect to come home from a days hill climbing but we also know that might not happen so we take kit to keep us going just in case. This is fine on one hand but where is too far? Wearing a crash helmet on the bus; taking a spare set of clothing just in case; wearing a seat belt?

It’s this last point that brings anxiety. When these tools are parts of your outward persona, if you’re self aware, you might be conscious of being misread as two faced or hypocritical. Here in this dichotomy lies the anxiety/crisis/conflict/dissonance.

I love being queer but I know other people would kill me for it. I love being neuroqueer but I know this is something other people consider it weirdness. I love being an army brat but hate having no ability to keep friendships or not having an answer to where are you from. I love being blind but hate being excluded because people don’t consider difference. I love being ‘British’ because it’s a beautiful country and it’s rich in history; I hate the history that means queer people were tortured, murdered and excluded moreover, the class system that denotes difference but doesn’t allow for difference. 

I’ve wrote about these different aspects in several posts before. This is one of an unintended series, as I’ve just realised. Now, I’ve been able to see that my problems exist in the space between:
  • My wants/desires/needs and reality.
  • My image of self and who I want to be/am seen as.
  • My ambitions and those of others for me.


I can’t erase my differences and I honestly don’t think I’d want to if I could. It might make life easier for that person but that person wouldn’t be me. I could also say screw it and ignore the space, this has been tried before and I was angry and deluded which wasn’t good for anyone in retrospect. If being me is good and I should embrace it, that solves part of my problems but how do I reject others while still caring. You can’t subtract and add the same amount and expect to keep 0? Red -5 (others’ perceived reality); Blue = 5 (measurable reality); Purple = 0 (my perceived reality). If I can only slide either way to within 0.01 of either end there will still be 0.01 of the other left. Of course I could revert to an existentialist belief and the problems vanish and are replaced with only purple but we know we don’t have absolute control because that’s 1 not how science works and 2 that’s not how society works.. Sugar wont cure death even if we declare it to. It takes more time than what any of us have in life to affect change that has no flaws, actually - is there one? There isn’t by the way, there’s no such thing as absolute certainty of that I’m absolutely certain. :D

7 December 2017

Control+Aliminate+Daesh

This morning I woke up to the fantastic news that the British state wishes to kill some of its' citizens. This news is always warmly welcomed and why wouldn't it be? After all, they're trying to protect us from some incredibly dangerous people.

In some respects I do agree, if you are on a battle field fighting for a side that is causing global terror and death then yes, you do deserve to die. However, the words used by the most recent Secretary of State for Defence, Gavin Williamson, are scary. I felt like he was suggesting more than just battle field killings as part of air strikes. "hunted down" suggsests assassinations, suicides in the countryside or 'gang crime related' deaths,  this is a different kettle of fish. Obviously, I don't have and never will have evidence that this kind of thing has happend before. The state would cover it up with more than just a false tash and glasses with rubber nose attached.

It's also impossible to legally make the returning daesh fighters stateless since that would be a breach of the internation convention on statelessness. Moreover, setting somebody loose would only make them somebody else's problem or executioner.

What could be done instead then? Well, this Danish town might have the answer. Rather than using such profiling that leads to a bad experience from Prevent, that's been oh so successful in the UK. In summary, this town has strengthen connections with the local muslim population and uses the intel from them to intervene and tries to fix some of the problems that the young people are having that lured them to daesh's propaganda. It's a practical solution, it's also flawed but so too will any program trying to break idealism and brain washing. Nothing will be 100% successful 100% of the time. We can't have both complete autonomy of self and still have a guaranty of safety from the state. Even with 0 autonomy we'd probably be victims of horrific personal violations but from the state, like those in fiction from George Orwell and Margaret Atwood.

At risk of slipping into a philosophical criticism of most people's dilution of safety, let's get back to what the Defence Sec said.

In the grand scheme of things killing people while there is potential for them to kill far more people than their combined number isn't such a bad thing. They signed up to die. People going about their lives didn't. My concern is, where does it stop? Not only that but how do we prevent terrible tragedies such as the murder of Jean Charles de Menezes in 2005 from happening. It was all down to bad intel but it was still a murdered sanctioned by the state of a foreign national who didn't pose any known threat. I would also say it's evidence that assassinations have been planned before now.

If the state can convince us of the real risk of death from these people, why would we then not give them the nod to do what it takes to keep us safe from 'them'. We could quite easily creap to having our very own wall to be reminded of the greatness of the state.

I really do wish I could say we've come so far since public executions and that this was just an insight from a deranged person's mind. However, I can't. The rise or maybe uncovering of hatreds in modern society makes me wonder quite how far things could go. Not just with state control to prevent unwanted behaviour but from people that are full of misinformation and fear.

First it's a legitimate target like daesh. Correction, secondly daesh - let's not forget the victims from 300ish years of witch hunting. Then what? People who protest with violence such as those seen in BrixtonToxteth and English 'riots'? Nope the British state have done that before, in 1819 at the Peterloo Massacre, slightly more recently Fuadaichean nan Gàidheal (The Highland Clearnaces) - oh and once more, let's not forget the most recent atrocity by the British state upon "its" people via Dúchrónaigh (The Black and Tan) in the 1920 war of independance.

I'd hope that the international community would intervene but the UN doesn't seem to be able to do very much. Trade embargoes screw the little people not those doing the harm, if citizens can't resist and fight the state with food in their bodies doing it hungry will make it so much more possible. Weapons embargoes do work incredably well, the DPRK (N.Korea) has been stopped in its' tracks with the embargoes against it. Travel bans would stop those trying to find safety from leaving, presuming the embarkation state doesn't stop them. NATO hasn't intervened to stop the death and ill treatment of indigenous people or those hit by austerity.

Who can we rely on to protect us from our protectors? Why would the entity that protects us from the state be any less dangerous?

Let's hope that we can maintain our ignorance of state sanctioned murder and violance, in an overt mordern way, othered and out of our internal feeds of fear for a bit longer. As long as it's only indiginous people, the poor and people of colour its fine.

It's a bad situation when the government openly suggests murder of one group of citizens and the media doesn't seem to highlight the genuine need for fear and alarm. Or, when the media makes a decision to not reference times before when the state has done such terrible things but push one group out to show us that, this group are the worse of any. We got here from the past, much like getting fat, it didn't just happen. it's beyond naïve to ignore history and not see pattens and to not try and stop them from continuing. Why yoyo diet, to carry on the analogy, we need to make real sustainable changes, what they could be, I'm not sure.

15 November 2017

The Queer Questions: Good v Bad | Murdering Queers Good - Violence Bad


TW/CW I refer to violence against minorities generally and historically.


I hope to do a series of posts considering the basics that we're taught as a child.

We're sure black is black and white is white. Everything can be put into one of these boxes, good or bad – right or left – correct incorrect – true or false – fact or fiction, you get the idea. As much as we'd like everything to be placed neatly into a box and better still into two simple boxes. In my experience, I've not found that to be the case.

Good v Bad

All rise for the honourable power of your brain.

Kind people of the readership, I will present both of these words to you. Good and Bad. I will use the Oxford English Dictionary (online version) for definitions. I will try to demonstrate to you that perhaps your believes in a good or bad 'thing' is flawed and that you should consider situations more in-depth before making a judgement.

In a criminal case you'd be asked to decide based on 'reasonable doubt'. Meaning: would a reasonable person be moved to a guilty verdict beyond all doubt. Or, something like that – I'm not a lawyer – I'd be financially better off if I were. I want you to use a similar idea, 'fair enough' – if you feel my argument is fair enough then perhaps you should move to consider things in greater detail before calling on it.

Good is bad.


The OED offers 7 adjectives; 3 nouns and 1 adverb. Some of these offer sub-definitions:

Adj
1. To be desired or approved of.
Murdering queer people. Good?
It's approved of by many. All queer people being murdered is also desired by many people. So that meets the criteria of Good by those people's belief system. However not everyones.

1.1 Pleasing and welcome.
A drugs gang being eliminated. Good?
What, who would argue that this is a bad thing!?! I will :) A known entity is better than the unknown one which will surely move in afterwards. Not to mention, 'illegal' industries do add money to the visible economy. So to do they give people employment. There is likely to be a level of violence from rival gangs who want to take over the patch now available.

1.2 Showing approval.
Adolph Hitler's political believes. Good?
In 1938, a large number of people turned out to celebrate Hitler's politics at the Nuremberg Rally. Showing their approval for his politics. Even today nearly 80 years on, there are still people that would show approval for Hitler if they could do so.

2. Having the qualities of a high standard.
VW diesel car as an environmentally safe car. Good?
Sure, the CO2 output might not be at the level that it was advertised at but what about particular matter. Even the damage required to get the fuel to fuel the ships and equipment to get the fuel to fuel any car.

2.1 Skilled at doing or dealing with a specified thing.
I am a construction material expert, and I approve this material. Good?
This is the person who approved the Grenfell tower cladding.

2.2 Healthy, strong or well.
She's out of hospital. Good?
Perhaps but why is it good that a terminally ill person isn't being helped to die as they wish. Instead they've been 'made comfortable' and now they are in a place with less care…

2.3 Useful, advantageous, or beneficial in effect
Unlimited guns. Good?
Useful, advantageous and beneficial if you're in a world where you have to fight to get to the shops for some food. Less so in a world of humans with poor judgement and psychological issues maybe. The latter may feel they already live in a world like the former.

2.4 Appropriate to a particular purpose.
We should tell someone that this girl is pregnant… Good?
Only problem is her parents are extremely religious and will force her to keep the birth going dispite of her body not being capable of supporting it.

2.5 of language - with correct grammar and pronunciation.
Blow winds and crack your cheeks. Good?
It's missing a full stop at the end. Otherwise it's fine, isn't it? No, it's from King Lear and should be “Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks.” The comma before 'and' probably isn't quite right for today's rules of use in everyday writing. The comma was used to signal a breath I'd imagine. How far we've come since ancient Greek where they didn't even put spaces between their words. How ever did they spend their days on social media… They got out more :D


2.6 Strictly adhering to or fulfilling all the principles of a particular religion or cause.
Heaven's Gate – Good?
They all killed themselves as instructed by their leader and a few even made sure that there were no survivors before killing themselves.

3. Possessing or displaying moral virtue.
He reported his neighbour to the police for breaking the law. Good?
Sure, if your neighbour has murdered someone and asked for a spade to bury the body. Less so if your neighbour was hiding a jewish family, earning a little cash to help them buy food their welfare doesn't cover or growing a little weed to help with their chronic pain problem.

3.1 Showing Kindness.
They were hungry and were offered all the food they could eat. Good?
This they, is the singular they and this they is a morbidly obese person with serious health issues. Killing someone with kindness…

3.2 Obedient to rules or conventions.
See number three. Good
I think this is a great example to stop on. There is often times in everyone's life that following rules could have caused something to have happened that wasn't what they would of wanted to. Choosing too spell words wrongly isn't gonna cause a deaf noar is it bad. It's difficult and annoying but if you still understood what I wrote, I was 'good' at communicating my point.

Bad is Good, do I need to re-explain how someone choosing to do sex work is good if they are free to make that decision? Or, how punching Natzi is good despite assault and violence being bad?

Next time in, the queer questions – Truth! If I remember to write it or perhaps I'm not intending to ever, who knows…

23 October 2017

Noise, Noise Everywhere No Silence To Think




Pipa Riggs via Instagram
Image description available here l(ink opens in new tab)

As I said in a previous post years ago about the 'bedroom tax', when the dog left we would move. T with going a bit mental and trying to get fixed up a little, this didn't happen right away.

The awful noise from our neighbours was tolerable while we were able to leave the house for a while each day. However, since we've had abuse from a band of local young people leaving home isn't exactly a nice experience either.

On one hand, we can stay in an witness our neighbours arguing, copulating and generally being noisy. Along with having the youngsta's lurking around our door and gate, if they're not lobbing stuff at it.

On the other, we can leave once the human noise generators wake up, presuming it's before the kids get out of school. If the kids are out of school, then, although the direct abuse has stopped (for now), we have to make it from the door to the car. It's only a short distance but the path is narrow and they tend to either hang around just by our door or by the gate. The way they go silent and stair at us is almost as threatening and anxiety inducing as actual threats or verbal abuse.

We can't even exist in our 'home'.

Our neighbours rise somewhere between 0700hrs → 1700hrs, and go to sleep between 0100hrs → 1300hrs. When they are sleeping we can hear them snoring or rolling over in bed. I don't want you to think I'm being hyperbolic here, but when they roll over it sounds like an engine grinding to a stop. This noise along with the noises involved in sex is fairly horrific. Being forced to witness people having sex isn't ever fun on its own. Now add it the gaming sessions that last all night; five or so daily sessions of arguing at full volume with doors slamming and feet stopping and oh, hearing every plop and dribble when they use the toilet.

Staying in drives me bad, going out when the kids are around is scary and before you say it, why should I have to make changes to my life to account for other people's behaviors?

We've got quite a few points on our local authority housing application yet, despite having 'urgent housing needs' – we've been waiting for around six plus months. Now we find ourselves in a cycle of anxiety and depression. Trying to workout which would be the better of the two crap options.
1) Stay where we are until we get allocated an appropriate place. Due to my disabilities, a bungalow is all that we're allowed.
2) Move into a privately rented place and lose all the points we've accumulated, meaning being at the will of a private landlord and market rents. Loss of points would mean we'd basically never get another social housing solution.

Such a first world problem. Perhaps I should be glad to have a 'home' but sooner we move sooner someone else can have this place. It's a lie to say, I've not thought about packing up the bare minimum and just walking away and living in a tent. Only problem with this is that you need an address to claim social welfare.

I don't quite know why I'm bothering to write this post. It's not relieving the stress or tension and if anything it's probably making me feel more angry and hopeless.

All I want is a good night's sleep, to be able to live peacefully and feel safe walking from my front door to the car. It shouldn't be too much to ask but it feels like I'm asking to move into a palace with armed guards and a private garage…

Finding time where we don't have to shift medical appointments or whatever is one issue. The other is, if we go away and we get allocated somewhere we get seven days to let them know if we're interested in the offer. This is generally from the day the letter was sent and it's sent 2nd class 2-5 days… It also comes back down to the 'why should I' point. Going away is hard when you know you have to come back to somewhere that is making your situation that much more difficult. The thought of going away seems as futile as the situation you're trying to escape.


10 September 2017

Lonely Like A Summer's Day.


I look through my windows,
Out into the world,
Shades of brown, green and gray swirl,
What I see, the potential beauty never to be found.

The rain pours down,
Much like my hopes, dreams and corners of my frown,
The drip, drip drop onto the,
Sucking, sopping swollen ground,
To much rain has arrived,
The earth it feeds,
No longer can it give it the space it needs.

It feels like it rains more than it shines,
And inside I cry and wine,
More than I show my pain,
When I flood there's nobody around to drown,
It's only me damming in the emotion,
Never do I let it breach to flow through my network or rivers,
The things inside wont make it to the ocean,
Because there's nobody connected closely enough,
To be my river,

Maybe I'm an angel, maybe I speak nothing but guff,
Either way,
I'm struggling,
For me life never feels like a meadow on a summer day,
Weather you know me or not,
There are many people that will be the same,
Internalized pain and their eyes are the only things that feel hot,
They push it back,
Stop their emotive rain flowing into your river,
Allow you to be free by taking your weight,
Enjoy walking through the fields eyes wide to see,
The beauty and the sun drying out the hay.

Perhaps you think I'm being fluffy,
That is fine,
I'd just like to thank you,
I know whom not to wine,
I hold no hate,
But not can I call you my mate,
I shrug my shoulders,
Now it's time,
For you to carry,
No wait,
We have to be there for one another,
Just you're the one and I'm the other,
Keep going and roll your own boulders.

I am a soldier,
A soldier for my own army,
I can't stop myself from being a dam,
Unless you are ready to catch the corners of my froun,
Here comes the torrent,
Take a breath,
Listen, hold on and try not to drown,

Are you ready to look from the world into my windows,
To see shades brown, green and gray,
I hope you realise the beauty and choose to stay.

Weather is wet,
I will always fret,
With or without you,
I'll still have me - come what may.