I'm not normally one for self pity, however, weather it's the winter blues or just a collapse in self-belief I don't know.
I've started a new drive to find employment. I've taken the fact I'm blind out of my CV, so that can't go against me. But, I'm still getting nowhere, I know there's something silly like 100+ candidates going for every job that's advertised – it just seems like the world doesn't want me to work at this time.
I'm not one for giving up easily. When you've been out of education for seven years and no “employment history” it does make you regret a few choices. The first being, leaving school at sixteen thinking that you'd have an equal chance in the employment market as any other sixteen-year-old.
Well why did you do it if you regret it? Because, firstly I didn't know I was going to regret it then or I'd not of done it. Secondly, at the time, I was coming home from school to telephone interviews. My thinking at the time was If I'm getting Telephone Interviews just now, it's only a case of time before I get a face-to-face interview – and I did. I had the grand total of five in the first two years.
Since these I've had nothing other than a self induced sense of narcissistic self belief and ability. Now, it's got to the point where the match sticks that hold up this large ego are flexing and showing their weakness. It is scary for someone like me to get to the point where they are questioning their genuine position in life and my abilities. Will I let these flexing slithers of wood break? Of course not, I'll ignore the bending and splintering and carry on with life pricking myself on the splinters every now and again to remind me that they are still there.
What can I do? Give up? Doing this serves no other purpose except declaring myself a failure. Becoming one of the people in life that I dislike, the leaches of society that don't try (even if it is futile). Some may say trying is never futile, if you don't try you're name can't even be on the table to be considered. When your name is on just about every recruiter's desk (so it seems) trying feels like an effort filled step too far.
Why not go back to education and make yourself more appealing to recruiters? This is simple, I don't know what I want to do – other than, something. You're not going to become a drifter are you? Not intentionally anyway, I want to work doing something.
When you consider that around seventy-five percent of blind people are unemployed it gives you very little belief that the wall will ever fall. It's easy to say, “people won't give me a job because I'm blind and they have a stereotypical view of me because of my impairment.” but only one percent of registered blind people are totally blind.
To summate, I feel like I'm in a canyon and keep popping my head over the lip to find I'm still in a desert. But, I keep marching on, catching myself upon rocks every so often in hope I'll find an oasis – with the obligatory mirages on the way.